Conflicted emotions

I know it's been a really long time since I posted anything, shame on me, but for some reason it was the furthest thing from my mind. I originally wanted to give a quick recap of everything but is seems to just keep slipping my mind. Just know it's been kinda more busy in real life this last month. Spring is a pretty busy time of my life. Anyways moving on...

About my title it more or less explains how I'm feeling right now because my emotions are really all over the place right now. Starting at the beginning of all this I guess I should say there seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life that has gone on for the last couple of years well longer than a couple. I know I have temper issues from time to time this doesn't come to a shock to anyone who really knows me. I'm a Taurus, it happens. Moving on, what seems to be the sad part more often than not I'm pissed at the stupidest things, minor things that shouldn't get to me but it does. It seems like hardly people honestly get to me, I've learned to deflect whatever issue off of people. If you really know then you know I'm my own worse enemy, I'm incredibly hard myself beyond reason. But the way I see it if I don't be hard on myself who is going to be, if I set the standers so high then no one else can hurt me. I tend to beat myself over the smallest thing and I have a tendency to get really temperamental with myself. It's stupid I know, I myself can be quite stupid over small things. But the problem comes from I get angry at myself and pointless things it comes out in my personality and people tend to think I'm taking it out on them but in reality I'm trying really hard not to. I would be lying if I said controlling my temper was easy but it's not it's hard and I try very hard to not take it out on people who don't deserve it.

What hurts the most is standing there and watching people practically run away because you suddenly become "to difficult to deal with" just because I'm having a bad moment. I just shake my head at it because I really shouldn't be surprised at it but it seems I set myself up for the heart break every single time. Same story different face.... I think that maybe finally someone knows me understands me and all my faults that it won't happen this time. But it's always a lie because without fail it happens every time. I'm not even pissed or angry at the person but apparently I've hurt them or done something wrong that some excuse comes up and they leave me alone. I know it seems like whining but it happens....every single time and I'm left standing there biting my tongue while they come up with some excuse to get away from me and pretend like I don't know what's going on. I got angry at something stupid and suddenly I'm like the worse person on the planet. I hate it because it always comes back to I just can't seem to be perfect. I'm the youngest person of practically everyone I know in secondlife, yet I act the most mature tend to carry a lot of responsibilities. I'm always there when something goes wrong, I always listen I always try to be understand to the best of my ability and not judge give the best advice I can and support people. Yet I always end up alone and I can't help but think I'm horribly messed up and defective when this keeps occurring over with different people. When will I ever get it right? I can't get rid of my temper it's a part of who I am and yet I try my hardest to control that part of me. But I wouldn't be who I am without it, I try so hard but it's never enough. I always end up here sitting alone going "great....way to fuck up again." And yet it makes me so angry all over because I even say I'm not mad at someone and apparent in that moment is the moment I seem like a liar. I don't get it.

Enough of my pathetic ranting, just sometimes we have to get things written down before they overwhelm us. Something I really wanted to post about was a song I heard and I've had it on repeat since I heard it. It's brought such a smile to my face and yet right now I can't find happiness in it. I've had a craving to update my profile because this month me and Aspen will be together for 10 months. I know most don't care but that's rather amazing in sl. This song brings a lot of emotions to the surface so I think I will just post the lyrics. (fyi it's a foreign song but these are the translated lyrics)

Girl, I can’t explain what I feel.
Oh baby my baby, baby, baby, baby.. yeah.

Making a day feel like a minute
With you, I’m the main character of a movie
As if I’m about to film an action scene to come see you, as if I’ve become a hero

You’re perfect to me, I imagined
How would it be if we were together?
If only you say okay, everything is perfect, oh baby

I lost my mind, the moment I saw you
Except you, everything get in slow motion
Tell me, if this is love
Sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
Fighting, crying and hugging
Tell me, if this is love

All the guys in the world are jealous of me
They must be jealous to death of me, for having you
Even after the sun goes down and moon goes down, it will never change
You will find out that I’m a guy whom you can trust
I don’t know why, this unconditional emotion
Did I ever imagine?
Next to me, you shine more brightly as I become a better guy

I lost my mind, the moment I saw you
Except you, everything get in slow motion
Tell me, if this is love
Sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
Fighting, crying and hugging
Tell me, if this is love

If you wish and wish earnestly
Will it come true, like the fairy-tales?
A never-ending happy ending, happily ever after
I will trust you, protect you and comfort you
I will be on your side
I will never leave your side

I lost my mind, the moment I saw you
Except you, everything get in slow motion
Tell me, if this is love
Sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
Fighting, crying and hugging
Tell me, if this is love

All the guys in the world are jealous of me
They must be jealous to death of me, for having you
My babe, baby babe, baby baby
I can tell, this is love
I will make you smile often like a child
I will make you feel the most comfortable, like a friend
My babe, baby babe, baby baby
Tell me, what is love

I feel like this is a song that will forever stick with me and all it's feelings. I'm out, maybe I'll go update that profile I've been meaning to.

The Last Week

Alright so I thought in this little blog I might give a recap of what has been going on in my life. Yes, I know I talk a lot about secondlife, Aspen, shops in sl, Aspen, relationships in sl, Aspen and a few other things as well. But my real life hasn't really ever been much of anything that has been spoken on here so I thought I would add a little of that this time again and well lets face in some more Aspen. I adore the woman sorry if you hate that.

Anyways so in the last week I can give you a really fast overview I bought new shoes last Saturday (70 fucking dollars) but I'm a little bit of a fashion bitch like that. Drove around for a little bit until I could talk to my baby on the computer. I do try to have a real life outside of the computer I swear. Sunday nothing really happened it was a lovely 40 degrees (odd because it's normally 15 this time of year) and just enjoyed off and some peace and quiet. Monday came and went like any first day of work can go but a awesome 60 degrees outside. Tuesday was just as uneventful, swear I do live a boring life most of the time. Wednesday I got a hair cut and cleans myself up like any one else and found out I wouldn't get to talk to my love for like 4 days. Which I know most of you are probably thinking "What's the big deal?" Well you have to understand we literally talk everyday.....and I do mean literally in the probably meaning. We have only gone without speaking in voice for over 24 hours only 2 other occasions in the year and half we have known each other. Granted we didn't start talking on voice until about last April but once we got on voice we never stopped. We talk ALL the time I love this girl this much. Months of talking and we are still strong as ever, I never thought I would this way with someone. So yes Wednesday was kinda a hard day for me. So bumming around Thursday I get home and I turned into like superman for the night and cleaned up my room, scrubbed the bathroom good (that took a hour to do) did two loads of laundry, changed the sheets, vacuumed the upstairs, folded some clothes did come dusting and worked a full 8 hours at work. I was TIRED by nine and totally forgot about the blog post I was suppose to do last night. I do apologize greatly for that. I got kinda wrapped up in real life which I think is actually great. Since I can't talk to Aspen I decided instead of just mopping around secondlife I'm going to take this opportunity to take care of shit in my real life that I would normally blow off and get on the internet. I know that sounds lame or pathetic like some teenage in highschool. But I mean lets face it, if you are here reading this you probably aren't much different from me. I have never hide that I am a nerd, really not much of a social life, love of video games, books, totally a nerdfighter, and blow off shit to LOL at the stupid cat photo that always comes up on tumblr.

Back on to what I was talking about... so we are here on Friday and all I did was go to work (in the pouring ass fucking rain because god decided to piss on the midwest) came home and just chilled for a while. Played some pool in the basement, got some food, watched the brand new episode of Supernaturl (about time CW!!!!) and headed up stairs and here I am in front of a computer writing out exactly what comes across my mind. Honestly everything you guys read here is straight out of my mind I don't put a whole lot of thought into in the fact I pick a subject sorta think about it then just write and go with my opinions and thoughts in the rawest form. Which honestly I find awesome because you are getting exactly how I think. Sorry if every now and then things seem to get jumbled up but hey that's how a mind works and as for grammar I'm pretty good at spelling but I know sometimes I mess up with word flow. As in my head gets ahead of my fingers and things come out rather jumbled but I do hope you get the meaning. Cause well I'll be honest I don't really like proof reading my own work. To much like reading over that crappy over night essay you did that was due that morning because you totally procrastinated that shit and half the paper is just total bullshit. Yea, I much rather have someone else proof read and even then I don't like going back and fixing my fuck ups. I'm human sorry get over it...I suffer from laziness extreme.

Okay so this part of a very long post is going to be about Aspen, I've only been about 48 hours from her and I'm just pitiful without her. Sad, I know but it's totally the truth. When I'm not doing anything in real life I just wonder around aimlessly trying to figure out what to do next. And I don't exactly want to get on the computer because I do think it's healthy to take some breaks from the internet but fuck is sucks like hell sometimes. And well fuck t.v just really isn't all the good most of the time. If any of this makes my a whipped lost puppy, I'll give a bit of advice. I don't give a fuck, I'm happy she puts a smile on my face every single day and hey I probably get a lot my sex than most of you. Cause...hey hey hey we are crazy about each other. I miss her laugh and just but the way her voice changes I know she's blushing and she'll hide her face even though the camera isn't on yet I know she's doing it. I love when she pounces me every single day I get home from work, always willing to help me when I have bad days and I help her on hers. How some how she'll calm me down from something I find the pisses me off like no other. The shape of her lips and how I crave to kiss them, I love her hazel eyes and her hair even though she claims every single day it's a mess. I swear I love it, and how she just lights up with I say "I love you" And I have to say in such a nerd way omg...I love the way we make faces at each other when we get on camera. How I can make the stupidest noises and she laughs and fines them cute. She'll sing to me. I'll sing back sometimes in a much crappier version and totally off like a tone deaf moron but she enjoys it....I think? How we'll lay down on cam and yes she's watched me sleep before and make weird noises on voice. Or how we'll turn on Skyrim and totally nerd it out playing it up and I'll school her some more in video games and it's awesome. I miss how one minute it's all chilled and she's suddenly pouncing me like I've been seducing her for hours. I adore the way she says my name and how she secretly loves it when I call her beautiful or gorgeous and I know she believes me on the rare occasions. Or how she'll laugh when I lamely show her my boxers for the day. I miss every breath she takes in my ear, how she holds me close and tells me she loves me. I miss these things even though it's only been a short time I miss them dearly. All of these things I hold dearly and I cherish them because I don't wanna be without them a minute longer than I have to. I love you Aspen with all my heart. I'll always be just a text, call or a buzz in my pants away from you. And I'll be here waiting for when things clear up in your real life in the next couple days because face it baby, you are stuck with me. All my love is yours, there is no one else I desire but you, no one else I wanna be with. My heart is with you. For as long as you'll have me Red.

Remorse

There's a lot of things I wish to say yet somehow I seem to be falling short. I've made a lot of wrongs it seems and I don't know how to fix any of it. I would be lying if I said it wasn't killing me because it is, when you hurt someone you care the most and you love them. To see that you've hurt them kills you makes you feel so guilty and just fix everything. I do feel such guilt it gnaws at me yet I cannot do anything about it. I want to make things right yet I don't know how. It's like watching water fall into your hands everything just slips through your fingers and you desperate try to cling to the drops but they slip away like tears.

I tried to be strong, I tried so hard to make things right, I hate how sometimes my insecurities come up in such a ugly fashion sometimes. I know they don't come up very often been when they do I feel like I ruin everything. I can't help but worry....I want you to be happy yet I ruin it. I feel so lost right now because I don't know what's going through your head, I feel like everything has gone silent. Control as slipped from my fingers and I don't know what to do. Sitting here and feeling lost is all I can do... I feel like a dog sent out to sit in the rain until I understand what I did wrong. I just sit here hopelessly in my remorse wishing to know what I did wrong how I can make it better.

I wish I could make you happy
I wish I could be a strong person
I wish I could do what was right
I wish I was a better person
I wish I didn't have insecurities

For all the wishing I did I wish most of all no matter what you are happy. I hate feeling like I'm losing everything, I want to be selfish yet I want to be selfless and do all I can to make it right for you. I hope you understand this. I don't know what to say...I feel so very lost and it's not a feeling I have felt in so long since you came into my life. I never want to lose the joy, the happiness and all the love I know I feel.

Male Fashion

So something I've never really brought to the table to talk about is male fashion, this is a topic that I could rant about for a very long time and it would require several posts. But I shall try to cover just some of my thoughts on this subject today. Now in the world of secondlife male fashion just sucks some major ass. Before you jump my case I do know there are some good stores out there, definitely because I shop there. I'm not always on the top of the newest the greatest and best out there in male fashion, because let me be honest 98% of guys in sl are lazy. They just are, face it. I think I do fairly well in this department though if you have every perchance seen my avie wondering around the grid. I like the idea of looking good! Call me completely vain but when you are in a game where you can look and practically do whatever you desire yes I'm going to be vain and shallow. I'm not a shallow in real life by any means but in secondlife I think it's completely valid! You can be skinny, curvy, tall, short, blonde, brunette, bulky, lanky. It's all at your fingertips just stop being fucking lazy and go find it and stop wearing shit from 2008 and get out of the noob hair.

Now that I have gotten a beef to pick with the male designs, my problems is when you are leading male designing and you do really well for yours that's awesome. Kudos to you I support you I wanna buy great products that look up to date with the times. But when all of sudden you stop making or sudden you work looks lazy I do get upset. You set out to create this business, no one is forcing you, wouldn't you want to create something amazing? I mean most designs honestly have a passion for it and they want to do this so use the creative brain!! I do understand real life can happen, things in secondlife can happen or sometimes this lovely thing comes along and it's the dreadful creative block. This happens and I'm fully aware things occur. Just have the common decently to write in your profile you are on break and be kind to your customers for good grief. They are the ones supporting you and paying for your tier!!! And another thing that has been frustrating me about shops in the male fashion....Why hasn't anything new come out?! I have been traveling around all my favorite shops (I won't name any....for now) waiting over a good decent three months, and I'm being generous, and nothing new has come out. This is infuriating. I understand one shop taking a break but when over multiple shops just stops you almost feel like something is happening. Which could be true. But I see female fashion just improving every day at blazing speed yet male fashion expect a few selective shops are stuck in 2008-2009 and going no where. I'm tired of hearing woman bitching that men don't look good when the selecting to begin with his rather shitty and when something is good every single other guy owns it as well.

Okay enough bashing on the shops, I'm sure I've run my mouth enough as it is. I'm little beef is with ladies that complain about guys looking really bad but really don't do anything to change this. This subject was brought up by Bouncer Criss when I read a certain blog post of his about how men in sl are lazy and it's true. Ladies you are going to tell a guy he is ugly maybe drop him a lm and then walk away. Because when they still are looking like noobs or pimping out feebies like they are the latest greatest things when honestly they came out just shortly after sl launched and showing over bling like they are some ghetto fab that was never thought of before their awesome genius. Sorry, I just don't find it right. This occurs the worse in clubs and omfg (yes I went there) it might as well be a crime. When some greasy mother fucker is up on stage waving his outdated bit around like he's stud of the year when some decent up to date trying to look good is walked all over for this trash. I just can't stand it, and yes I have every right to talk about this I worked as a secondlife male stripper for more than one club over a year and half I know what the fuck I'm talking about. I see it repeating over and over constantly.

If you were wondering why this whole rant was made well here's my point, lately I've been trying to create more and more male poses. A few couples but for the most part I do what to try to push more and more in the male fashion realm the best I can. Poses is about all I can make at this moment, yes it's been very slow because I do work a real life job (*gasps* I know it's a crime in sl) so this process is very slow. Yet as I try to make all these poses none sell and no I'm not trying to sell anything that's not my point. I want this subject talked about more, I'd like to see more of a movement pushed in this field. I'd be more than willing to put forth more effort and see more done. I'll be the first to admit secondlife is pussy run. That's not me making a joke I'm being completely honest (I know you laughed anyways, or was horrified by this shocking revelation suddenly made) but I do not have to go very far to prove my point. I'll take the very popular marketplace. In the category of apparel alone men stand at 93,432, unisex 47,708, and women 545,163 as of 5:00SLT on January 17, 2012. Those are where the numbers stand, I know they are probably changed already because people are uploading new things all the time. But doing basic math for our apparel section women stand ahead of men by 450,704. This is just in clothing alone, I don't think I need to say any more. Secondlife is pussy ran, and if guys look horrible it's because they have a poor selection to choose from or no one is willing to tell them they look fugly. SO START PUSHING FOR MALE FASHION TO MEET 2012!!!!

Niku

Finally back?

Ok so a lot of things have happened since the last time I posted anything, I know I know I know! For shame on me beat me later if you want but back to my train of jumbled thoughts. So since November my lovely baby's birthday had come up, and so this is how I went about surprising her. I could not for the life of me get out of her what she wanted for that day so I did a little thinking outside the box. I worked over a extra hour each day at work making her believe I was making up for time I had lost the previous week. This little white lie worked perfectly she didn't suspect a thing, in doing this I had gotten in over 32 hours before Friday. On the day it worked wonders that I am two hours a head of her because I went into work early got all of my 40 hours in before even 11am and clocked out and headed home. It was perfect I had set it all from knowing she just got her real life done in the morning, I logged off of skype the night before invisible so I could sneak on write out a really romantic birthday emote without her knowledge and went to text her. After acting all mysterious in the text message then dropping a huge emote on her was priceless. My pay back was getting called "fucker" several times over in this wonderful way knowing I had shocked her and made her blush all over. The events of the rest of day don't really need to be discussed in great detail because considering it was her birthday I'm sure you can figure it out on your own.

Following the time after this consisted mostly of us both being sappy and romantic....kinky and horny and her doing a lot of photos of us. I've seem to lost my touch in photoshop a lot lately, I really need to break down and just dive right back into it. But anyways, and in this time I always some how ended up with a new nick name "Wolf" there's a lot of reasons behind it but it sorta has become a code for us and now I have a nickname for her and we know it's each other without worries. Blurring some time here Christmas was fast approaching and again I could not get anything out of her what she wanted for a present. So here I was left coming up with something, and trust me I did. After looking all about (at Earthstones) I had finally chosen the ring I thought fitted best and picked it up just a few days before the holiday. We had to celebrate this event a little early do to families and such which is totally acceptable. But probably the best thing was giving her this and just knowing the tears of joy and happiness radiant from my baby in this single moment. It was outstanding and I shall cherish it always for all the times to come. She even took a picture of the ring shortly there after (but a certain pair of underwear stole the show here) and was letting all she could know about this new prize. It truly made me happy to bring a smile to her face.

I know somewhere in the back of a few people's minds they are thinking, "Wow this person talks about his girl all the time." While this is very true it's because she is a major part of my life now and all my sl is anymore. Sounds kinda sad but it's totally not, we even had this deep conversation about this. In some way we all seem to come to sl because we are missing something in our real lives, some of us are aware of the problem and others aren't. Throughout our travels in secondlife it's like we are trying to fill this void within and finding some but little. Within us both we both found something that fills the void so well, I don't feel compelled to log on anymore. There isn't that desire there anymore, all I wanna do is talk to her and emote her. While secondlife works for that it isn't needed with all its distractions about. I know she feels this way as well and it's amazing. I love that her and I spent so many months getting to know her emotionally, mentally (yes physically...but yet we were so sexually attracted to each other) and I'm sure everyone is like, "If you had all that why weren't you together sooner?" Complicated story but it worked out for the best for us, we grew as friends and lovers. She become my best friend in secondlife and someone I talked to all the time. And finally we become boyfriend and girlfriend, we had our bumps and finally got partnered in the end. Had a awesome, (fake but not?) Vegas wedding in our own style, and I finally ringed her. We are developing each and every single day in to something more amazing.

In some other saying here's a picture of just how I sometimes surprise her....oh and naked. Enjoy the porn and my naked pixels?

Emotions Coming Undone

This is all I have right at the moment to unleash a have torrent of emotions boiling stirring around inside of me, I don't know where to start or where it even begins and I fear I have to warn that this may jump from many different thoughts because that's how emotions rule us. We have no control the only consume and can be tricky and change in mere seconds so all who read this I pray understand and accept this apology. I can't except everything to make sense nor really plan on it, but this is my thoughts and feelings uncensored To release the flood gates is a torment in itself. I am riddled with so many emotions right now anger grows passionately and vibrate inside and not just at one thing many things, if festers like a upon wound on my soul and heavy heart. Sorrow burns at me from every angle and I wake with heavy steps pacing back and forth for I cannot sit still and it is maddening. I desire to yell and scream because I feel completely misunderstood, that everything I do good is stripped away from my record for a single moment of bad I may commit. Have I not tired my best? Would anyone else in my position done any better than I? I dare ask. I am tormented now because I am left alone with this thoughts and not by choice. I thoughts things were ok but it rolled around in my stomach knotting up waiting to burst and lay waste to my insides. I want to scream loudly have I not said if you tell me these things I will understand, I cannot read minds and if I am not told than I am a ignorant fool walking into darkness. I yearn to throw things in a fit because I'm frustrated that anything I feel isn't taking into consideration. I am always thinking of you and I do always consider your emotions. I have being trying to change for you, I stopped saying things you don't like. I listened to every word you say and have being trying to change myself for you and I ask is that right for me or for you? I have no desires or wants to make anyone feel guilty, and I have put a immediate stop on that have I not?! Or perhaps did this go unnoticed? And it makes me furious I do try to do all this good in the smallest of changes and just something new tears at me. Infuriating to no end am feel as if I'm reminded repeated I am no good, garbage, worthless no matter how hard I try. I bear and lay witness to guilt well face it I and forced to be remind how little I am daily and I have tried to handle it honorable. It is painful and it rages tears to my eyes and condemns me to cry. You always say you have been condition a certain way and I understand this I honestly do and I understand you. But I grow highly annoyed to think you hold little understand on me in this department, if you are able to lay that out before you than let me lay this out to you and show you exactly HOW I have been condition and the way I am. You wish to know the fully extent as to why I had a bad day but I was still trying my best to have a good day with you and help you. First let me explain this, I was in physical pain trying to stomach it and not throw up on the spot trying to spend what time I could with you, I had gotten little sleep yes I know it's a very piss poor excuse I do know this I honestly do but it makes any human cranky and that's exactly what I am HUMAN. I'm not perfect and I hate it that everyone seems to think that because Niku has control over a lot of things most of the time that I'm not vulnerable to anything. And truth be told I'm a hell of a lot more vulnerable to things than I ever let on but I put on a brave face pretend I'm ok and move on because I don't want one mistake to ruin everything. Then to come home and get a phone call from my mother no less who acts like her life would be so much better if her worthless son had never been born and it's all his fault. I beg pardon if that doesn't put a horrible amount of bitterness into someones soul, it is a overwhelming and consuming feeling to feel rejected by your own parents. But who was I to say anything? So Niku has mommy and daddy issues? It's not exactly something anyone wants to announce to the world. I am sorry some of the extreme anger seem to backlash on to you but I would like you to be put into the situation and act like you're peachy. It wasn't my intention to hurt you but out of all the things I could have said I think money wasn't the lowest of blows I could have made in a moment of lowness and weakness. And it kills me you want to hold it over my head, again...I'm not good for anyone. You wish to see how I've been condition, I have been condition that I'm not good enough it's not for me. And for several years I've been made to the perfect one the responsible one because if I didn't do it no one would have. I've had people ditch me countless times again and again for friends or other reason, I've been the one left alone I've been the one stabbed in the back. I've been cheated on, laughed at, abandoned and I don't need to say what scars you've left on me because I live them every day just like you do. And you wanna say how you've been condition, you have no idea. I have composed myself kept myself the strongest I could for everyone because the minute my troubles rise to the surface ever time it's me who gets left alone to deal with them. I have never been a open person but I am with you because I am trying to change so badly and no one sees it. I write this in all its infinite craziness, insanity that maybe something good and clearity would come out of it I have been told countless times again and again it's my fault and this time around feels no different. Something I said is gong to be held over my head and blame laid waste at my feet, I'm sorry I'm not perfect but I'm sure as hell trying and that is more than I can say to most the people in your life. And I hate this because even in all my rage and anger all I am is sad and heartbroken and the only way I feel like I can cover that pain up is with my horrible temper. Every single time I get into a fit like this it is because I am trying my best to act like I'm not hurting and I try to open up and communicate and get shot down. How is a person suppose to change?! I don't desire pity and you wish to know why I don't want to hear sorry, is because I already know people are sorry for me it's not that I just want someone to listen to me try to understand the possible frustration and pain. Sorry doesn't fix it, but listening sure as hell goes a long way along with just the simple words "I'm here for you" or "I'm here with you through this" And it can mean the world and everything. Sorry never changed anything but knowing someone is there to pick you back up after all the god damn anger and tears and take a tissue to your eyes and say you'll be okay may not seem like a lot of the time but it matters. Not being left alone with torturous thoughts. I'm sad, depressed...I feel agony, loathing towards myself and this situation. I want to yell at you and tell you you are overreacting as I have done, I mean look last week I reacted poorly but you know what when you asked my to come back I did...I did. I have apologized up and down and I hope you forgive me but I do understand both sides of this coin I honestly do and it kills me. Rips me apart because I don't want to be this person I don't want to have a temper I don't want to make anyone guilty or feel bad I have been trying so fucking hard to rip apart this person and build anew but that kills me to because I ask myself am I such a bad person? What have i done wrong?! Please why is it no one can answer this question? What is wrong with me???? Because for all the good I do it matters not against my rage and bitterness......no one wants to see the good in me. They only see what's wrong with me and it rips me apart daily. No matter how I try to change no one wants me when I'm angry, no one wants to deal with my problems, no one wants to feel the backlash of my sorrows. I understand why, I understand how....to change this things is not simple. I have tired and keep trying to but to treated as though you cannot do anything right is cruel. I have kept my mouth shut on things and other times it becomes unfiltered and cruel but anymore I am so lost. I normally always know what to do but now I am lost, because the one person I crave, desire most doesn't even want to look at me. Abandonment issues run deeply inside of me and so far no one has disappointed me yet. I hate so much of myself but I don't know how to change, I feel like pleading tell me what to do. All I can do is lay out every single one of my emotions and just let it all roll out. I know that most of this will be taken the wrong way.... most of this will be seen as I just need to grow up...and I know that no matter what happens probably nothing good will come out of it. I've never been ignorant but all I can do is take a leap of fate put all that I am out there and at least know that I might be scared shitless, I'm human, pathetic, worthless and cruel but I have tried and gotten up time and time again and continue to try. I'm not running away and I refuse to ignore the situation because that doesn't help. I am here as I have always been and that is one thing I won't change about myself.

Taking Away

So earlier today I heard song and it took me utterly off guard, it was something completely by surprise. I hope everyone has had this sensation you're sitting there listening to music then the song changes and one comes on that you have never heard and you realize how much it relates you. Either in the past or present just a emotion the cries out to your soul and you can't help but stop listening to every last word noting which ones are you and which ones aren't right. Well this happened to me and I get the feeling I'm going to be writing for a long time explain everything. At the end of this I plan on posting this song and all that much more. The first line that caught my attention went like this, "This is how the story went, I meet someone by accident. Who blew me away (blew me away) It was in the darkness of my days, when you took my sorrow, and you took my pain, and buried them away (buried them away) I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done, and wake up next to your face against the morning sun. But like everything I've ever known you'll disappear one day. So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away." Now I understand this seems pretty sad and depressing to most but not to me because I can only grin because it brings up memories of the past. The certain kinda I thought I would never want to think about but yet now it doesn't seem so bad.

To really fully understand where I'm getting at on this I feel I'm going to have to tell a story, isn't how all these things go? But in each story there's a lesson to be learned and something we find in ourselves. I hear this part of this song over again and again in my head and I'm taking back several months now to January of this year. I can only imagine the face expressions this second. Some hate me and some love me but never have I written it all down and I think it's be long enough to hear my part of my story and everything felt. Anyone who knew me knows I was with someone at the time, her name was Zoe we had our ups and we certainly had our downs and I spent great deal of time trying to be the best I could for her. I know we are both to blame for the bad that happened between us. Nor will I be a coward and lie about the crimes I've committed against her, I hope people out there know every story has two sides and I didn't walk away without some scars bearing down my soul. Now back to January...there's no way I can explain it to make it sound pretty. All I can say it was a darker part of my life this year, my relationship felt like it was drowning and nothing I could do we keep it afloat. Am I to blame? Is she? I doubt I'll ever truly know those answers. And then something happen I never saw coming and that's where this line leaves me breathless. "I meet someone by accident. Who blew me away (blew me away) It was in the darkness of my days, when you took my sorrow, and you took my pain, and buried them away (buried them away)" A girl I never saw coming entered my life on November 18, we talked about photos chatted for a month then didn't speak until December came around and a friendship blossomed into something I couldn't imagine. Her name is Aspen, she's my girlfriend, my partner and more but this isn't a story without it's battle scars.

I can't pretend like this newly encounter didn't fascinated, we talked casually and yes even flirted shamelessly with each other. I openly admit this, we flirted...a LOT! Looking back on it now it's so hard not to see how much we cared and acted like a couple. Call me every name under the rainbow, there isn't anything I haven't told myself for the matter I was flirting and crushing on another woman other than my girlfriend. If anyone out there doesn't think I didn't call myself a bastard and every other name they don't truly know me. I'm the first to crack down on myself and all the flaws I carry. I've broken some hearts, I've crushed some feelings, I've walked a rocky road but I tried the best I could and it's made me into the person I am today and I can't imagine coming out any different. My times with Aspen around that were the happiest times I had. But we were just friends at this point, we flirted hinted at things that we shouldn't have been hinting knowing we shouldn't. It was the forbidden fruit I tried to resisted to all my might. Trust me and if you like ask her I fought my feelings like a stubborn dog with a bone. How could I crave another girl? It was so much easier than I thought when Aspen walked into my life knocking me on my ass, taking my breath away. I caved in and gave into her and something happened I don't think either of us were expected but love was going to strike us whether we wanted it to or not.

Then this line "I spend my whole life hiding my heart away." seems to define me so well in the next couple months. I was hiding from my feelings and lying to myself, we ran away from each other the first time. Yes, I cheated I won't and pretend it wasn't so wrong. I can apologize for the pain it caused but I can't bring myself wanting to take it back for anything. To say I was swept away and stolen is a utter understatement. Anyways back to my point, we ran from each other....spoke from time to time after the first event because I was broken after the affair she choose a different path that wasn't me. I can't blame, it was a childish boy's dream to think something would happen then when I was taken. I spent so much time hiding my heart away after that, I was hurt once I didn't want to take that chance again. She took my pain of my crumbling relationship away and replaced it with something I wasn't ready to face. We went back to being friends for roughly a month...it didn't last very long. Neither of us could deny the chemistry the raw undefined emotions swirling emotions transpiring between us and we embraced each other in a lovers dance and got swept away in the passions even we didn't fully understand at the time.

And now for the only other line I really want to explain, "I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done, and wake up next to your face against the morning sun." By this point in whatever relationship me and Aspen had I was love stuck, and I had dreams I shouldn't have been having. How could I be so happy yet be such a rotten boyfriend? We snuck around behind Zoe, and whatever douche she thought was worthy of her time. Holding each other arms, kissing and so much. The words of love never passed our lips, we never talked about how we wanted to belong to each other. It was hinted here and there but never pasted our lips, I wanted her as mine she wanted mine yet fear of heartbreak held us in its iron grip. March came around with is rains washing things away and things starting changing. The further I grew from Zoe, someone I held feelings for over a year was, I was growing closer to a girl who seemed like she never wanted to settle down. Yet despite all of this we grew closer, tighter cuddling and taking pleasure we craved so damn much. Finally after so much damn drama I packed up my things walked out of Zoe's life, made Aspen fall out of her chair. I made my choose, made my bed and I needed to lay in it. I was in love with someone else and it wasn't fair to Zoe nor me and I finally came to realize we were better friends than a couple.

My boyish dreams took me away again, I was single and as far as I knew at this point she was too. Things took turns for the worse and I very much felt like god was laughing at me at this point.... I felt cheated, sorrow with no amount of words, anguish and anger at myself. She gets with a asshole one day and the very next I walk out of Zoe's life, I was made a fool and left standing in the rain. I had no one to blame but myself, I wanted to blame everyone else but me. This is where the sadness of the song truly kicks in, meet someone who blows you away fighting so long with yourself finding the courage to changed and getting shot down like so many times before. I wanted to scream and yell, say it wasn't fair pretend like it wasn't happen and that I didn't hear from a slip of a tongue and not truthfully. She was disappearing away out of my life after so much, for three days to a week we didn't speak a word to each other. I was spending my whole time hiding my heart away and pick up the broken pieces. Finally I found my way back to her unable to keep away from her, we kissed for she was in a opened relationship and fell into the sheets like so many times before. By this point I was hers and there was no keeping away despite how damn badly it hurt to be second base to a guy who wasn't worth anyone's time. Despite all the time I listened, cared, held her and loved her I wouldn't wake up next to her with the morning light painted on her face.

A point came came in the start of this mess me leaving her going to another, in some moment of anger and pain her pushing to say things I told her I loved her. I think I stumped her at this point with something she didn't expect coming. I tried not to cry knowing I wouldn't hear those word said back only got I was cared for deeply. It didn't matter at this point I was in to deep I wasn't going anywhere I was standing next to her in the shadows or not and going to be a constant support in her life. There was a bitterness in my soul but I wasn't going to let it take me, I wanted to be with her but more I wanted her to be happy with me or not. A point finally came in a moment I didn't expect we made love one night and I didn't have a single doubt about being in love with this woman I think we sealed our fate in that moment of such beauty. No matter what events occurred after this we still finally meet, kissed and belonged to each other at last. I don't want to be in anyone elses arms or kiss another pair of lips. My heart is with this woman Aspen, we laugh together, we've fought with each other, cried in anger and in regret and pain, tested each other with every step next to each other but I couldn't imagine another hand holding mine. This is the story this song reminds me off, it's sad it's happy and every feeling I could possibly describe and I know it's lead us to here. And that brings a smile to my face, I don't have a reason to hide my heart away anymore.