I know it's been a really long time since I posted anything, shame on me, but for some reason it was the furthest thing from my mind. I originally wanted to give a quick recap of everything but is seems to just keep slipping my mind. Just know it's been kinda more busy in real life this last month. Spring is a pretty busy time of my life. Anyways moving on...
About my title it more or less explains how I'm feeling right now because my emotions are really all over the place right now. Starting at the beginning of all this I guess I should say there seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life that has gone on for the last couple of years well longer than a couple. I know I have temper issues from time to time this doesn't come to a shock to anyone who really knows me. I'm a Taurus, it happens. Moving on, what seems to be the sad part more often than not I'm pissed at the stupidest things, minor things that shouldn't get to me but it does. It seems like hardly people honestly get to me, I've learned to deflect whatever issue off of people. If you really know then you know I'm my own worse enemy, I'm incredibly hard myself beyond reason. But the way I see it if I don't be hard on myself who is going to be, if I set the standers so high then no one else can hurt me. I tend to beat myself over the smallest thing and I have a tendency to get really temperamental with myself. It's stupid I know, I myself can be quite stupid over small things. But the problem comes from I get angry at myself and pointless things it comes out in my personality and people tend to think I'm taking it out on them but in reality I'm trying really hard not to. I would be lying if I said controlling my temper was easy but it's not it's hard and I try very hard to not take it out on people who don't deserve it.
What hurts the most is standing there and watching people practically run away because you suddenly become "to difficult to deal with" just because I'm having a bad moment. I just shake my head at it because I really shouldn't be surprised at it but it seems I set myself up for the heart break every single time. Same story different face.... I think that maybe finally someone knows me understands me and all my faults that it won't happen this time. But it's always a lie because without fail it happens every time. I'm not even pissed or angry at the person but apparently I've hurt them or done something wrong that some excuse comes up and they leave me alone. I know it seems like whining but it happens....every single time and I'm left standing there biting my tongue while they come up with some excuse to get away from me and pretend like I don't know what's going on. I got angry at something stupid and suddenly I'm like the worse person on the planet. I hate it because it always comes back to I just can't seem to be perfect. I'm the youngest person of practically everyone I know in secondlife, yet I act the most mature tend to carry a lot of responsibilities. I'm always there when something goes wrong, I always listen I always try to be understand to the best of my ability and not judge give the best advice I can and support people. Yet I always end up alone and I can't help but think I'm horribly messed up and defective when this keeps occurring over with different people. When will I ever get it right? I can't get rid of my temper it's a part of who I am and yet I try my hardest to control that part of me. But I wouldn't be who I am without it, I try so hard but it's never enough. I always end up here sitting alone going "great....way to fuck up again." And yet it makes me so angry all over because I even say I'm not mad at someone and apparent in that moment is the moment I seem like a liar. I don't get it.
Enough of my pathetic ranting, just sometimes we have to get things written down before they overwhelm us. Something I really wanted to post about was a song I heard and I've had it on repeat since I heard it. It's brought such a smile to my face and yet right now I can't find happiness in it. I've had a craving to update my profile because this month me and Aspen will be together for 10 months. I know most don't care but that's rather amazing in sl. This song brings a lot of emotions to the surface so I think I will just post the lyrics. (fyi it's a foreign song but these are the translated lyrics)
Girl, I can’t explain what I feel.
Oh baby my baby, baby, baby, baby.. yeah.
Making a day feel like a minute
With you, I’m the main character of a movie
As if I’m about to film an action scene to come see you, as if I’ve become a hero
You’re perfect to me, I imagined
How would it be if we were together?
If only you say okay, everything is perfect, oh baby
I lost my mind, the moment I saw you
Except you, everything get in slow motion
Tell me, if this is love
Sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
Fighting, crying and hugging
Tell me, if this is love
All the guys in the world are jealous of me
They must be jealous to death of me, for having you
Even after the sun goes down and moon goes down, it will never change
You will find out that I’m a guy whom you can trust
I don’t know why, this unconditional emotion
Did I ever imagine?
Next to me, you shine more brightly as I become a better guy
I lost my mind, the moment I saw you
Except you, everything get in slow motion
Tell me, if this is love
Sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
Fighting, crying and hugging
Tell me, if this is love
If you wish and wish earnestly
Will it come true, like the fairy-tales?
A never-ending happy ending, happily ever after
I will trust you, protect you and comfort you
I will be on your side
I will never leave your side
I lost my mind, the moment I saw you
Except you, everything get in slow motion
Tell me, if this is love
Sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
Fighting, crying and hugging
Tell me, if this is love
All the guys in the world are jealous of me
They must be jealous to death of me, for having you
My babe, baby babe, baby baby
I can tell, this is love
I will make you smile often like a child
I will make you feel the most comfortable, like a friend
My babe, baby babe, baby baby
Tell me, what is love
I feel like this is a song that will forever stick with me and all it's feelings. I'm out, maybe I'll go update that profile I've been meaning to.
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