Emotions Coming Undone

This is all I have right at the moment to unleash a have torrent of emotions boiling stirring around inside of me, I don't know where to start or where it even begins and I fear I have to warn that this may jump from many different thoughts because that's how emotions rule us. We have no control the only consume and can be tricky and change in mere seconds so all who read this I pray understand and accept this apology. I can't except everything to make sense nor really plan on it, but this is my thoughts and feelings uncensored To release the flood gates is a torment in itself. I am riddled with so many emotions right now anger grows passionately and vibrate inside and not just at one thing many things, if festers like a upon wound on my soul and heavy heart. Sorrow burns at me from every angle and I wake with heavy steps pacing back and forth for I cannot sit still and it is maddening. I desire to yell and scream because I feel completely misunderstood, that everything I do good is stripped away from my record for a single moment of bad I may commit. Have I not tired my best? Would anyone else in my position done any better than I? I dare ask. I am tormented now because I am left alone with this thoughts and not by choice. I thoughts things were ok but it rolled around in my stomach knotting up waiting to burst and lay waste to my insides. I want to scream loudly have I not said if you tell me these things I will understand, I cannot read minds and if I am not told than I am a ignorant fool walking into darkness. I yearn to throw things in a fit because I'm frustrated that anything I feel isn't taking into consideration. I am always thinking of you and I do always consider your emotions. I have being trying to change for you, I stopped saying things you don't like. I listened to every word you say and have being trying to change myself for you and I ask is that right for me or for you? I have no desires or wants to make anyone feel guilty, and I have put a immediate stop on that have I not?! Or perhaps did this go unnoticed? And it makes me furious I do try to do all this good in the smallest of changes and just something new tears at me. Infuriating to no end am feel as if I'm reminded repeated I am no good, garbage, worthless no matter how hard I try. I bear and lay witness to guilt well face it I and forced to be remind how little I am daily and I have tried to handle it honorable. It is painful and it rages tears to my eyes and condemns me to cry. You always say you have been condition a certain way and I understand this I honestly do and I understand you. But I grow highly annoyed to think you hold little understand on me in this department, if you are able to lay that out before you than let me lay this out to you and show you exactly HOW I have been condition and the way I am. You wish to know the fully extent as to why I had a bad day but I was still trying my best to have a good day with you and help you. First let me explain this, I was in physical pain trying to stomach it and not throw up on the spot trying to spend what time I could with you, I had gotten little sleep yes I know it's a very piss poor excuse I do know this I honestly do but it makes any human cranky and that's exactly what I am HUMAN. I'm not perfect and I hate it that everyone seems to think that because Niku has control over a lot of things most of the time that I'm not vulnerable to anything. And truth be told I'm a hell of a lot more vulnerable to things than I ever let on but I put on a brave face pretend I'm ok and move on because I don't want one mistake to ruin everything. Then to come home and get a phone call from my mother no less who acts like her life would be so much better if her worthless son had never been born and it's all his fault. I beg pardon if that doesn't put a horrible amount of bitterness into someones soul, it is a overwhelming and consuming feeling to feel rejected by your own parents. But who was I to say anything? So Niku has mommy and daddy issues? It's not exactly something anyone wants to announce to the world. I am sorry some of the extreme anger seem to backlash on to you but I would like you to be put into the situation and act like you're peachy. It wasn't my intention to hurt you but out of all the things I could have said I think money wasn't the lowest of blows I could have made in a moment of lowness and weakness. And it kills me you want to hold it over my head, again...I'm not good for anyone. You wish to see how I've been condition, I have been condition that I'm not good enough it's not for me. And for several years I've been made to the perfect one the responsible one because if I didn't do it no one would have. I've had people ditch me countless times again and again for friends or other reason, I've been the one left alone I've been the one stabbed in the back. I've been cheated on, laughed at, abandoned and I don't need to say what scars you've left on me because I live them every day just like you do. And you wanna say how you've been condition, you have no idea. I have composed myself kept myself the strongest I could for everyone because the minute my troubles rise to the surface ever time it's me who gets left alone to deal with them. I have never been a open person but I am with you because I am trying to change so badly and no one sees it. I write this in all its infinite craziness, insanity that maybe something good and clearity would come out of it I have been told countless times again and again it's my fault and this time around feels no different. Something I said is gong to be held over my head and blame laid waste at my feet, I'm sorry I'm not perfect but I'm sure as hell trying and that is more than I can say to most the people in your life. And I hate this because even in all my rage and anger all I am is sad and heartbroken and the only way I feel like I can cover that pain up is with my horrible temper. Every single time I get into a fit like this it is because I am trying my best to act like I'm not hurting and I try to open up and communicate and get shot down. How is a person suppose to change?! I don't desire pity and you wish to know why I don't want to hear sorry, is because I already know people are sorry for me it's not that I just want someone to listen to me try to understand the possible frustration and pain. Sorry doesn't fix it, but listening sure as hell goes a long way along with just the simple words "I'm here for you" or "I'm here with you through this" And it can mean the world and everything. Sorry never changed anything but knowing someone is there to pick you back up after all the god damn anger and tears and take a tissue to your eyes and say you'll be okay may not seem like a lot of the time but it matters. Not being left alone with torturous thoughts. I'm sad, depressed...I feel agony, loathing towards myself and this situation. I want to yell at you and tell you you are overreacting as I have done, I mean look last week I reacted poorly but you know what when you asked my to come back I did...I did. I have apologized up and down and I hope you forgive me but I do understand both sides of this coin I honestly do and it kills me. Rips me apart because I don't want to be this person I don't want to have a temper I don't want to make anyone guilty or feel bad I have been trying so fucking hard to rip apart this person and build anew but that kills me to because I ask myself am I such a bad person? What have i done wrong?! Please why is it no one can answer this question? What is wrong with me???? Because for all the good I do it matters not against my rage and bitterness......no one wants to see the good in me. They only see what's wrong with me and it rips me apart daily. No matter how I try to change no one wants me when I'm angry, no one wants to deal with my problems, no one wants to feel the backlash of my sorrows. I understand why, I understand how....to change this things is not simple. I have tired and keep trying to but to treated as though you cannot do anything right is cruel. I have kept my mouth shut on things and other times it becomes unfiltered and cruel but anymore I am so lost. I normally always know what to do but now I am lost, because the one person I crave, desire most doesn't even want to look at me. Abandonment issues run deeply inside of me and so far no one has disappointed me yet. I hate so much of myself but I don't know how to change, I feel like pleading tell me what to do. All I can do is lay out every single one of my emotions and just let it all roll out. I know that most of this will be taken the wrong way.... most of this will be seen as I just need to grow up...and I know that no matter what happens probably nothing good will come out of it. I've never been ignorant but all I can do is take a leap of fate put all that I am out there and at least know that I might be scared shitless, I'm human, pathetic, worthless and cruel but I have tried and gotten up time and time again and continue to try. I'm not running away and I refuse to ignore the situation because that doesn't help. I am here as I have always been and that is one thing I won't change about myself.