Taking Away

So earlier today I heard song and it took me utterly off guard, it was something completely by surprise. I hope everyone has had this sensation you're sitting there listening to music then the song changes and one comes on that you have never heard and you realize how much it relates you. Either in the past or present just a emotion the cries out to your soul and you can't help but stop listening to every last word noting which ones are you and which ones aren't right. Well this happened to me and I get the feeling I'm going to be writing for a long time explain everything. At the end of this I plan on posting this song and all that much more. The first line that caught my attention went like this, "This is how the story went, I meet someone by accident. Who blew me away (blew me away) It was in the darkness of my days, when you took my sorrow, and you took my pain, and buried them away (buried them away) I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done, and wake up next to your face against the morning sun. But like everything I've ever known you'll disappear one day. So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away." Now I understand this seems pretty sad and depressing to most but not to me because I can only grin because it brings up memories of the past. The certain kinda I thought I would never want to think about but yet now it doesn't seem so bad.

To really fully understand where I'm getting at on this I feel I'm going to have to tell a story, isn't how all these things go? But in each story there's a lesson to be learned and something we find in ourselves. I hear this part of this song over again and again in my head and I'm taking back several months now to January of this year. I can only imagine the face expressions this second. Some hate me and some love me but never have I written it all down and I think it's be long enough to hear my part of my story and everything felt. Anyone who knew me knows I was with someone at the time, her name was Zoe we had our ups and we certainly had our downs and I spent great deal of time trying to be the best I could for her. I know we are both to blame for the bad that happened between us. Nor will I be a coward and lie about the crimes I've committed against her, I hope people out there know every story has two sides and I didn't walk away without some scars bearing down my soul. Now back to January...there's no way I can explain it to make it sound pretty. All I can say it was a darker part of my life this year, my relationship felt like it was drowning and nothing I could do we keep it afloat. Am I to blame? Is she? I doubt I'll ever truly know those answers. And then something happen I never saw coming and that's where this line leaves me breathless. "I meet someone by accident. Who blew me away (blew me away) It was in the darkness of my days, when you took my sorrow, and you took my pain, and buried them away (buried them away)" A girl I never saw coming entered my life on November 18, we talked about photos chatted for a month then didn't speak until December came around and a friendship blossomed into something I couldn't imagine. Her name is Aspen, she's my girlfriend, my partner and more but this isn't a story without it's battle scars.

I can't pretend like this newly encounter didn't fascinated, we talked casually and yes even flirted shamelessly with each other. I openly admit this, we flirted...a LOT! Looking back on it now it's so hard not to see how much we cared and acted like a couple. Call me every name under the rainbow, there isn't anything I haven't told myself for the matter I was flirting and crushing on another woman other than my girlfriend. If anyone out there doesn't think I didn't call myself a bastard and every other name they don't truly know me. I'm the first to crack down on myself and all the flaws I carry. I've broken some hearts, I've crushed some feelings, I've walked a rocky road but I tried the best I could and it's made me into the person I am today and I can't imagine coming out any different. My times with Aspen around that were the happiest times I had. But we were just friends at this point, we flirted hinted at things that we shouldn't have been hinting knowing we shouldn't. It was the forbidden fruit I tried to resisted to all my might. Trust me and if you like ask her I fought my feelings like a stubborn dog with a bone. How could I crave another girl? It was so much easier than I thought when Aspen walked into my life knocking me on my ass, taking my breath away. I caved in and gave into her and something happened I don't think either of us were expected but love was going to strike us whether we wanted it to or not.

Then this line "I spend my whole life hiding my heart away." seems to define me so well in the next couple months. I was hiding from my feelings and lying to myself, we ran away from each other the first time. Yes, I cheated I won't and pretend it wasn't so wrong. I can apologize for the pain it caused but I can't bring myself wanting to take it back for anything. To say I was swept away and stolen is a utter understatement. Anyways back to my point, we ran from each other....spoke from time to time after the first event because I was broken after the affair she choose a different path that wasn't me. I can't blame, it was a childish boy's dream to think something would happen then when I was taken. I spent so much time hiding my heart away after that, I was hurt once I didn't want to take that chance again. She took my pain of my crumbling relationship away and replaced it with something I wasn't ready to face. We went back to being friends for roughly a month...it didn't last very long. Neither of us could deny the chemistry the raw undefined emotions swirling emotions transpiring between us and we embraced each other in a lovers dance and got swept away in the passions even we didn't fully understand at the time.

And now for the only other line I really want to explain, "I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done, and wake up next to your face against the morning sun." By this point in whatever relationship me and Aspen had I was love stuck, and I had dreams I shouldn't have been having. How could I be so happy yet be such a rotten boyfriend? We snuck around behind Zoe, and whatever douche she thought was worthy of her time. Holding each other arms, kissing and so much. The words of love never passed our lips, we never talked about how we wanted to belong to each other. It was hinted here and there but never pasted our lips, I wanted her as mine she wanted mine yet fear of heartbreak held us in its iron grip. March came around with is rains washing things away and things starting changing. The further I grew from Zoe, someone I held feelings for over a year was, I was growing closer to a girl who seemed like she never wanted to settle down. Yet despite all of this we grew closer, tighter cuddling and taking pleasure we craved so damn much. Finally after so much damn drama I packed up my things walked out of Zoe's life, made Aspen fall out of her chair. I made my choose, made my bed and I needed to lay in it. I was in love with someone else and it wasn't fair to Zoe nor me and I finally came to realize we were better friends than a couple.

My boyish dreams took me away again, I was single and as far as I knew at this point she was too. Things took turns for the worse and I very much felt like god was laughing at me at this point.... I felt cheated, sorrow with no amount of words, anguish and anger at myself. She gets with a asshole one day and the very next I walk out of Zoe's life, I was made a fool and left standing in the rain. I had no one to blame but myself, I wanted to blame everyone else but me. This is where the sadness of the song truly kicks in, meet someone who blows you away fighting so long with yourself finding the courage to changed and getting shot down like so many times before. I wanted to scream and yell, say it wasn't fair pretend like it wasn't happen and that I didn't hear from a slip of a tongue and not truthfully. She was disappearing away out of my life after so much, for three days to a week we didn't speak a word to each other. I was spending my whole time hiding my heart away and pick up the broken pieces. Finally I found my way back to her unable to keep away from her, we kissed for she was in a opened relationship and fell into the sheets like so many times before. By this point I was hers and there was no keeping away despite how damn badly it hurt to be second base to a guy who wasn't worth anyone's time. Despite all the time I listened, cared, held her and loved her I wouldn't wake up next to her with the morning light painted on her face.

A point came came in the start of this mess me leaving her going to another, in some moment of anger and pain her pushing to say things I told her I loved her. I think I stumped her at this point with something she didn't expect coming. I tried not to cry knowing I wouldn't hear those word said back only got I was cared for deeply. It didn't matter at this point I was in to deep I wasn't going anywhere I was standing next to her in the shadows or not and going to be a constant support in her life. There was a bitterness in my soul but I wasn't going to let it take me, I wanted to be with her but more I wanted her to be happy with me or not. A point finally came in a moment I didn't expect we made love one night and I didn't have a single doubt about being in love with this woman I think we sealed our fate in that moment of such beauty. No matter what events occurred after this we still finally meet, kissed and belonged to each other at last. I don't want to be in anyone elses arms or kiss another pair of lips. My heart is with this woman Aspen, we laugh together, we've fought with each other, cried in anger and in regret and pain, tested each other with every step next to each other but I couldn't imagine another hand holding mine. This is the story this song reminds me off, it's sad it's happy and every feeling I could possibly describe and I know it's lead us to here. And that brings a smile to my face, I don't have a reason to hide my heart away anymore.