Emotions Coming Undone

This is all I have right at the moment to unleash a have torrent of emotions boiling stirring around inside of me, I don't know where to start or where it even begins and I fear I have to warn that this may jump from many different thoughts because that's how emotions rule us. We have no control the only consume and can be tricky and change in mere seconds so all who read this I pray understand and accept this apology. I can't except everything to make sense nor really plan on it, but this is my thoughts and feelings uncensored To release the flood gates is a torment in itself. I am riddled with so many emotions right now anger grows passionately and vibrate inside and not just at one thing many things, if festers like a upon wound on my soul and heavy heart. Sorrow burns at me from every angle and I wake with heavy steps pacing back and forth for I cannot sit still and it is maddening. I desire to yell and scream because I feel completely misunderstood, that everything I do good is stripped away from my record for a single moment of bad I may commit. Have I not tired my best? Would anyone else in my position done any better than I? I dare ask. I am tormented now because I am left alone with this thoughts and not by choice. I thoughts things were ok but it rolled around in my stomach knotting up waiting to burst and lay waste to my insides. I want to scream loudly have I not said if you tell me these things I will understand, I cannot read minds and if I am not told than I am a ignorant fool walking into darkness. I yearn to throw things in a fit because I'm frustrated that anything I feel isn't taking into consideration. I am always thinking of you and I do always consider your emotions. I have being trying to change for you, I stopped saying things you don't like. I listened to every word you say and have being trying to change myself for you and I ask is that right for me or for you? I have no desires or wants to make anyone feel guilty, and I have put a immediate stop on that have I not?! Or perhaps did this go unnoticed? And it makes me furious I do try to do all this good in the smallest of changes and just something new tears at me. Infuriating to no end am feel as if I'm reminded repeated I am no good, garbage, worthless no matter how hard I try. I bear and lay witness to guilt well face it I and forced to be remind how little I am daily and I have tried to handle it honorable. It is painful and it rages tears to my eyes and condemns me to cry. You always say you have been condition a certain way and I understand this I honestly do and I understand you. But I grow highly annoyed to think you hold little understand on me in this department, if you are able to lay that out before you than let me lay this out to you and show you exactly HOW I have been condition and the way I am. You wish to know the fully extent as to why I had a bad day but I was still trying my best to have a good day with you and help you. First let me explain this, I was in physical pain trying to stomach it and not throw up on the spot trying to spend what time I could with you, I had gotten little sleep yes I know it's a very piss poor excuse I do know this I honestly do but it makes any human cranky and that's exactly what I am HUMAN. I'm not perfect and I hate it that everyone seems to think that because Niku has control over a lot of things most of the time that I'm not vulnerable to anything. And truth be told I'm a hell of a lot more vulnerable to things than I ever let on but I put on a brave face pretend I'm ok and move on because I don't want one mistake to ruin everything. Then to come home and get a phone call from my mother no less who acts like her life would be so much better if her worthless son had never been born and it's all his fault. I beg pardon if that doesn't put a horrible amount of bitterness into someones soul, it is a overwhelming and consuming feeling to feel rejected by your own parents. But who was I to say anything? So Niku has mommy and daddy issues? It's not exactly something anyone wants to announce to the world. I am sorry some of the extreme anger seem to backlash on to you but I would like you to be put into the situation and act like you're peachy. It wasn't my intention to hurt you but out of all the things I could have said I think money wasn't the lowest of blows I could have made in a moment of lowness and weakness. And it kills me you want to hold it over my head, again...I'm not good for anyone. You wish to see how I've been condition, I have been condition that I'm not good enough it's not for me. And for several years I've been made to the perfect one the responsible one because if I didn't do it no one would have. I've had people ditch me countless times again and again for friends or other reason, I've been the one left alone I've been the one stabbed in the back. I've been cheated on, laughed at, abandoned and I don't need to say what scars you've left on me because I live them every day just like you do. And you wanna say how you've been condition, you have no idea. I have composed myself kept myself the strongest I could for everyone because the minute my troubles rise to the surface ever time it's me who gets left alone to deal with them. I have never been a open person but I am with you because I am trying to change so badly and no one sees it. I write this in all its infinite craziness, insanity that maybe something good and clearity would come out of it I have been told countless times again and again it's my fault and this time around feels no different. Something I said is gong to be held over my head and blame laid waste at my feet, I'm sorry I'm not perfect but I'm sure as hell trying and that is more than I can say to most the people in your life. And I hate this because even in all my rage and anger all I am is sad and heartbroken and the only way I feel like I can cover that pain up is with my horrible temper. Every single time I get into a fit like this it is because I am trying my best to act like I'm not hurting and I try to open up and communicate and get shot down. How is a person suppose to change?! I don't desire pity and you wish to know why I don't want to hear sorry, is because I already know people are sorry for me it's not that I just want someone to listen to me try to understand the possible frustration and pain. Sorry doesn't fix it, but listening sure as hell goes a long way along with just the simple words "I'm here for you" or "I'm here with you through this" And it can mean the world and everything. Sorry never changed anything but knowing someone is there to pick you back up after all the god damn anger and tears and take a tissue to your eyes and say you'll be okay may not seem like a lot of the time but it matters. Not being left alone with torturous thoughts. I'm sad, depressed...I feel agony, loathing towards myself and this situation. I want to yell at you and tell you you are overreacting as I have done, I mean look last week I reacted poorly but you know what when you asked my to come back I did...I did. I have apologized up and down and I hope you forgive me but I do understand both sides of this coin I honestly do and it kills me. Rips me apart because I don't want to be this person I don't want to have a temper I don't want to make anyone guilty or feel bad I have been trying so fucking hard to rip apart this person and build anew but that kills me to because I ask myself am I such a bad person? What have i done wrong?! Please why is it no one can answer this question? What is wrong with me???? Because for all the good I do it matters not against my rage and bitterness......no one wants to see the good in me. They only see what's wrong with me and it rips me apart daily. No matter how I try to change no one wants me when I'm angry, no one wants to deal with my problems, no one wants to feel the backlash of my sorrows. I understand why, I understand how....to change this things is not simple. I have tired and keep trying to but to treated as though you cannot do anything right is cruel. I have kept my mouth shut on things and other times it becomes unfiltered and cruel but anymore I am so lost. I normally always know what to do but now I am lost, because the one person I crave, desire most doesn't even want to look at me. Abandonment issues run deeply inside of me and so far no one has disappointed me yet. I hate so much of myself but I don't know how to change, I feel like pleading tell me what to do. All I can do is lay out every single one of my emotions and just let it all roll out. I know that most of this will be taken the wrong way.... most of this will be seen as I just need to grow up...and I know that no matter what happens probably nothing good will come out of it. I've never been ignorant but all I can do is take a leap of fate put all that I am out there and at least know that I might be scared shitless, I'm human, pathetic, worthless and cruel but I have tried and gotten up time and time again and continue to try. I'm not running away and I refuse to ignore the situation because that doesn't help. I am here as I have always been and that is one thing I won't change about myself.

Taking Away

So earlier today I heard song and it took me utterly off guard, it was something completely by surprise. I hope everyone has had this sensation you're sitting there listening to music then the song changes and one comes on that you have never heard and you realize how much it relates you. Either in the past or present just a emotion the cries out to your soul and you can't help but stop listening to every last word noting which ones are you and which ones aren't right. Well this happened to me and I get the feeling I'm going to be writing for a long time explain everything. At the end of this I plan on posting this song and all that much more. The first line that caught my attention went like this, "This is how the story went, I meet someone by accident. Who blew me away (blew me away) It was in the darkness of my days, when you took my sorrow, and you took my pain, and buried them away (buried them away) I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done, and wake up next to your face against the morning sun. But like everything I've ever known you'll disappear one day. So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away." Now I understand this seems pretty sad and depressing to most but not to me because I can only grin because it brings up memories of the past. The certain kinda I thought I would never want to think about but yet now it doesn't seem so bad.

To really fully understand where I'm getting at on this I feel I'm going to have to tell a story, isn't how all these things go? But in each story there's a lesson to be learned and something we find in ourselves. I hear this part of this song over again and again in my head and I'm taking back several months now to January of this year. I can only imagine the face expressions this second. Some hate me and some love me but never have I written it all down and I think it's be long enough to hear my part of my story and everything felt. Anyone who knew me knows I was with someone at the time, her name was Zoe we had our ups and we certainly had our downs and I spent great deal of time trying to be the best I could for her. I know we are both to blame for the bad that happened between us. Nor will I be a coward and lie about the crimes I've committed against her, I hope people out there know every story has two sides and I didn't walk away without some scars bearing down my soul. Now back to January...there's no way I can explain it to make it sound pretty. All I can say it was a darker part of my life this year, my relationship felt like it was drowning and nothing I could do we keep it afloat. Am I to blame? Is she? I doubt I'll ever truly know those answers. And then something happen I never saw coming and that's where this line leaves me breathless. "I meet someone by accident. Who blew me away (blew me away) It was in the darkness of my days, when you took my sorrow, and you took my pain, and buried them away (buried them away)" A girl I never saw coming entered my life on November 18, we talked about photos chatted for a month then didn't speak until December came around and a friendship blossomed into something I couldn't imagine. Her name is Aspen, she's my girlfriend, my partner and more but this isn't a story without it's battle scars.

I can't pretend like this newly encounter didn't fascinated, we talked casually and yes even flirted shamelessly with each other. I openly admit this, we flirted...a LOT! Looking back on it now it's so hard not to see how much we cared and acted like a couple. Call me every name under the rainbow, there isn't anything I haven't told myself for the matter I was flirting and crushing on another woman other than my girlfriend. If anyone out there doesn't think I didn't call myself a bastard and every other name they don't truly know me. I'm the first to crack down on myself and all the flaws I carry. I've broken some hearts, I've crushed some feelings, I've walked a rocky road but I tried the best I could and it's made me into the person I am today and I can't imagine coming out any different. My times with Aspen around that were the happiest times I had. But we were just friends at this point, we flirted hinted at things that we shouldn't have been hinting knowing we shouldn't. It was the forbidden fruit I tried to resisted to all my might. Trust me and if you like ask her I fought my feelings like a stubborn dog with a bone. How could I crave another girl? It was so much easier than I thought when Aspen walked into my life knocking me on my ass, taking my breath away. I caved in and gave into her and something happened I don't think either of us were expected but love was going to strike us whether we wanted it to or not.

Then this line "I spend my whole life hiding my heart away." seems to define me so well in the next couple months. I was hiding from my feelings and lying to myself, we ran away from each other the first time. Yes, I cheated I won't and pretend it wasn't so wrong. I can apologize for the pain it caused but I can't bring myself wanting to take it back for anything. To say I was swept away and stolen is a utter understatement. Anyways back to my point, we ran from each other....spoke from time to time after the first event because I was broken after the affair she choose a different path that wasn't me. I can't blame, it was a childish boy's dream to think something would happen then when I was taken. I spent so much time hiding my heart away after that, I was hurt once I didn't want to take that chance again. She took my pain of my crumbling relationship away and replaced it with something I wasn't ready to face. We went back to being friends for roughly a month...it didn't last very long. Neither of us could deny the chemistry the raw undefined emotions swirling emotions transpiring between us and we embraced each other in a lovers dance and got swept away in the passions even we didn't fully understand at the time.

And now for the only other line I really want to explain, "I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done, and wake up next to your face against the morning sun." By this point in whatever relationship me and Aspen had I was love stuck, and I had dreams I shouldn't have been having. How could I be so happy yet be such a rotten boyfriend? We snuck around behind Zoe, and whatever douche she thought was worthy of her time. Holding each other arms, kissing and so much. The words of love never passed our lips, we never talked about how we wanted to belong to each other. It was hinted here and there but never pasted our lips, I wanted her as mine she wanted mine yet fear of heartbreak held us in its iron grip. March came around with is rains washing things away and things starting changing. The further I grew from Zoe, someone I held feelings for over a year was, I was growing closer to a girl who seemed like she never wanted to settle down. Yet despite all of this we grew closer, tighter cuddling and taking pleasure we craved so damn much. Finally after so much damn drama I packed up my things walked out of Zoe's life, made Aspen fall out of her chair. I made my choose, made my bed and I needed to lay in it. I was in love with someone else and it wasn't fair to Zoe nor me and I finally came to realize we were better friends than a couple.

My boyish dreams took me away again, I was single and as far as I knew at this point she was too. Things took turns for the worse and I very much felt like god was laughing at me at this point.... I felt cheated, sorrow with no amount of words, anguish and anger at myself. She gets with a asshole one day and the very next I walk out of Zoe's life, I was made a fool and left standing in the rain. I had no one to blame but myself, I wanted to blame everyone else but me. This is where the sadness of the song truly kicks in, meet someone who blows you away fighting so long with yourself finding the courage to changed and getting shot down like so many times before. I wanted to scream and yell, say it wasn't fair pretend like it wasn't happen and that I didn't hear from a slip of a tongue and not truthfully. She was disappearing away out of my life after so much, for three days to a week we didn't speak a word to each other. I was spending my whole time hiding my heart away and pick up the broken pieces. Finally I found my way back to her unable to keep away from her, we kissed for she was in a opened relationship and fell into the sheets like so many times before. By this point I was hers and there was no keeping away despite how damn badly it hurt to be second base to a guy who wasn't worth anyone's time. Despite all the time I listened, cared, held her and loved her I wouldn't wake up next to her with the morning light painted on her face.

A point came came in the start of this mess me leaving her going to another, in some moment of anger and pain her pushing to say things I told her I loved her. I think I stumped her at this point with something she didn't expect coming. I tried not to cry knowing I wouldn't hear those word said back only got I was cared for deeply. It didn't matter at this point I was in to deep I wasn't going anywhere I was standing next to her in the shadows or not and going to be a constant support in her life. There was a bitterness in my soul but I wasn't going to let it take me, I wanted to be with her but more I wanted her to be happy with me or not. A point finally came in a moment I didn't expect we made love one night and I didn't have a single doubt about being in love with this woman I think we sealed our fate in that moment of such beauty. No matter what events occurred after this we still finally meet, kissed and belonged to each other at last. I don't want to be in anyone elses arms or kiss another pair of lips. My heart is with this woman Aspen, we laugh together, we've fought with each other, cried in anger and in regret and pain, tested each other with every step next to each other but I couldn't imagine another hand holding mine. This is the story this song reminds me off, it's sad it's happy and every feeling I could possibly describe and I know it's lead us to here. And that brings a smile to my face, I don't have a reason to hide my heart away anymore.

Partnering

This has long since been a post in the making for some time now but real life has a funny way of getting in the way when things need to be accomplished. Anyways a while back, and by a while back I mean 8/6/11 (this is a very late post and I apologize for that) I partnered someone one I have been seeing in sl. Aspen Huntress is my girl in this wonderful pixel world and let me say there is a very long story here. We have known each other since November 18, 2010 so that's roughly nine months we have been in each others lives. Some may think this isn't a long time and others may argue but let me say from a previous post secondlife time works much faster than real life. Though it still comes to a surprise to me everyday that in less than three months we will have been in each others lives for a year. It's the type of reaction that makes me stop and whisper under my breath, "wow," and think about all of our times together. We didn't talk so much in the beginning but let me say once we really started talking we honestly talked practically every single day. A few days here and there or if there was the extremely rare moments a fight and we didn't talk for a rough time of a couple days...even then it didn't last. Now in the beginning we didn't actually meet up in world for the longest time it was pure talking every single day about anything and everything would could imagine. It mostly consisted of flirting, talking about problems, flirting, photos and a lot of flirting. Okay so we flirted a lot and when I look back on it I don't think I realized how much we just naturally flirted and flowed, it as smooth and natural and as I told her for the longest time we had chemistry... who am I kidding we still do.
There was a lot of struggles along our journey of friends, what can I say? We danced around each other so much as if testing the waters and when it comes down to it we were just plain scared because the emotions are honestly that strong. To say that we didn't try running from each other would be a understatement, we tired and failed happily actually. But through all these ups and downs there was just no getting away from each other we were hooked, addicted whatever you might like to call it we some how manged to grab a hold of each other deeply. So finally the day came when we got together June 14, 2011 after so many months and even admitting we loved one another long before that the moment came they we were each other.
I know there are some issues up there in the air about partnering and or getting married on secondlife. From my own personally experience from doing both yes there can be a difference between these to events. I can smugly say that I did surprise the heck out of her by asking her to partner me, I think some small part of her new but I still shocked her nevertheless. As such we have been partnered since August 8, 2011 and still going and I'm sure a lot are wondering about this. First and for most all I can say about this is we do tell each other everything. This in itself has been a small issue and I've had to come cracking down but no relationship isn't without it's ups or downs at all. We communicate... A LOT, and this is a major key in this role. As for another thing is we don't allow the other to push each other around, well maybe in some nice roleplays for foreplays but that's entirely different. We aren't afraid to get in each others faces and let each other know when the other has over stepped their bounds. Thus the whole communicating factor comes back into play.
All I can say to wrap up this post is I'm incredibly happy to be partnered to this woman, through all the ups and downs we are still strong and thriving about on the world of sl. It's honestly a wonderful experience to enjoy and I savor every single second of it, but don't be afraid to test the waters a little and don't dive right in either. Take us for example took us practically 7-8 months before we went seriously into this holding hands. Savor and love one another but always be aware no two people are perfect and fights are going to happen but I happily fight those fights with her and will still kiss her at the end of each day with the words "I love you" on my lips and holding her hand in mine.

SL Relationships

This is a very heavy topic I know but I feel perhaps it should just be done and over with. There is so much to be written down about this particular occurrence in the world of secondlife. I'm going to try to break down everything that I can in a single post from everything I've learn and what I believe. I understand that not every one is going to agree with what I but I hope most will see what I mean.
Some of the things I've picked up along this two year journey though sl is relationships are going to be a major part of your world. Friendships, girlfriends, boyrfriends (perhaps both) are going to come and go or stay. The first thing I think most forget sometimes, or lose, is in any sl relationship communication is a HUGE part of it. All you have for the most part of sl is communication, you have to be willing to talk things through even the simplest of things. Also never forget no two people are perfect there WILL be fights and every one is going to encounter them, it boils down to whether you can possibly sit down and work through them or is it not worth it and walk away. Sounds hard yet easy all at the same time, confusing I know but it's what I learned the most. You gotta talk! I mean wouldn't you want to talk to your lover, the one you want to spend your time with? If it makes any one feel better this is something I've even struggled with several times myself, but I've sat myself down several times in the last couple months with my girl and we have and so many serious talks I couldn't count them all on my hands. It's rough sometimes but trust me when I say in the end you'll be so thankful for doing it. Real life emotions go into this game, you get invested into the people just like you would in rl and talking has to happen. I couldn't imagine it any other way.
Now time to bring up probably one of thee biggest issues ever in the sl dating community. Cheating. I know this might as well be taboo but sadly it's a daily occurrence in sl, it honestly happens all the time. It's much easier to cheat in sl and both women and men are guilty of this, it's harder to keep track of a partner in the high speed world of secondlife. Sl is really like it's own dimension one month in the real world might as well be three months or more in secondlife, time moves faster in sl. But the one warning I give out in this online game is someone is ALWAYS watching, as creepy as this may sound but it's true. Unless you wanna pay a very pretty penny for your own private sim with none around it there will always be someone aware of where or who you're with. Lets not forget to mention that there's the infamous chat logs, it may be against the rules to share them but hell people do it anyways and harsh as it is LL could hardly care about your little soap opera of yours. They want your money and badly as it is, sl runs on drama and sex (with some rp in there too). From my own personal experience cheating in sl may be a lot of fun, oh yes, but it will come back around and bite you in the ass. It's extremely RARE for someone not to get caught cheating unless it's all on mic otherwise someone is going to know. This doesn't really apply to any of those open relationships but if you go into a close relationship there has to be some trust because there is a lot of temptation in sl and more so than real life.
Moving past some of the much more painful parts of being in a relationship, one of the things I see happening a lot in secondlife is people getting together way to quickly. Yes, this happens in real life as well which really stumps me. I look at all of my relationships and I honestly can say I had always known who I got with for at least a month and tested the waters before leaping. I take the relationship I am in now I knew her from November up until June did we finally get together, we developed such a beautiful friendship and made everything now all that much sweeter. Getting to know someone is key, I've seen way to many stalker and cyber bullies to say you need to really understand a person before getting with them. Those are my words of advice, I know I had so much more to mention on this subject but I can't seem to remember it all now. Damn....should have written it out yesterday. Oh wells!

Giving In

So this has long since been a work in progress, if I do say so which I do, but it seems like a lot of people in my life seem to write in some shape or form. As of lately I'm finding myself looking more and more at blogs like these so the thought crossed my mind and I finally gave in to writing some blogs out.
Now if anyone knows me I can have a very interesting way of writing but I promise I will try to make a point in every post I write out. Can't promise I'll write like it's my new found religion or anything but perhaps in time it will pick or it might crash and burn into the ground. Getting back on to track I decided I would try to give a little insight to possibly who I am before I start picking out topics to write about. The first thing I feel I should mention is that a lot of what I write will probably be wrapped around secondlife (aka sl from now on), yes this is a online game to which I play a lot. For over two years now I have invested a lot of my life into this and honestly it may or may not be for everyone. I feel I need to warn every one though this game is highly addicting it starts of slow then next thing you know you tossed into a high speed world of online fashion, photography, role-playing, animation/posing designs and lets not forget the ever famous dancing/stripping/escorting and emoting communities. There's much more but I fear I could not even mention them all because this game is forever growing. It never stops. I'm sure most (those who don't play, those who do I know understand perfectly well) why would anyone want to explore and get into it, trust me when I say it never starts off that way. Typically goes a thinking this might as well be any other type of online community but it develops into so much more than that. Repeating my last statement this game is HIGHLY addicting. Almost every single day you'll find me online at one point or another playing myself or taking a photo and buried in photoshop. I only mention sl because it honestly is a major part of my life and I can promise almost if not all of my post will relate to this strange world that I've grow accustom to and love.
Getting back to talking about me I will try to cover perhaps some of the basics. I'm a rather quiet person even in sl, I'm more of a private person in all worlds. Quick to temper sometimes but yet I have a lot of patience, which can pay of on sl. All day I sit around at work (sometimes sl work) and thinks, because I have a lot of time on my hands to think when I'm not with my girl. Yes, I'm taken in the wonderful world of sl and I wouldn't have it any other way, I'll write that story out another time. Finally I got it in my head I would sit down and start writing whatever crosses my mind for others to read. Now honestly I can't promise anything of quality but I will be trying my best. Grammar, eh well I'll be trying to not disappoint my English teachers to badly. For future notices I will probably write down my experience, perhaps a feel fashion posts and probably the most highly looked forward to my role-playing and emoting experiences. Haha... now if you know me, Niku Firehawk, in sl is quite aware of my emoting skills. But there are the extreme few who have ever gotten to experience my honest writing. We'll see if those ever come, now I'm sure I'm bored your eyes out of your skulls. Until next time.... which will probably be tomorrow.