It's alive!

It's been a long time since I have posted anything here due to a change of settings and how my life has changed. I'll give a in depth run down at a later time. Just know I'm alive!

Simply My Opinions

Since this has been a much heated debate I am seeing everywhere and everyone is so riled up about it with very good reason I've decided to write a very delayed post much deserved. I hope anyone reading this understand this is just the opinion of one person and you can take what you will from it or leave it all on the table and walk away that's everyone's right. This subject has everyone passionate because it hits everyone on such a personal level so there is always going to be aggression when talking about this, but without further delay the subject I'm referring to is the very recent school shooting that happened in Connecticut.

This has effect so many people's lives lately and it has everyone's feathers ruffled and I completely understand why. A tragedy has happened and with the death of any child comes great mourning and the need to strike back. Our children are everything they are the innocence we no longer hold, they carry on our genes, they are our lives that carry on and a piece of us always. So to expect anyone to act calm over this matter is a very pointless request. I do send my best wishes and prayers to all the parents who are grieving right now.

Moving on to the very ugly pink elephant that seems to be steering up such a uproar right now. "Should gun control policies be put in place?" or "Should there be armed guards at schools now?" With such a horrible tragedy happening recently the need to take action always occurs. I am sadden that such a thing had to happen to seriously bring this debate to the front of everyone's attention. Gun control debates are not anything new, yet I'm scared that with one bad thing happening everyone rushes to buy guns for their "protection" or simply because someone might take your "toy" away. (I'm using these terms very lightly) Now to the point of my opinions I know most everyone is going to either agree or hate me. Dangers are around us all the time no matter what you do. Everyday I sit down in my car I take a chance whether how great or small I might die at the hands of someone else. The location I choose to live in very well could kill me or it could simply be that one day someone is going to kill me for the paper in my wallet. I know these are things no one likes to think about it, it scares us and with good reasons. They should put some fear into you because it is scary but it is always a reality we must face.

Death is something that cannot be denied and it's a very grim thing. I know the statistics have changed since I last heard them but from when I last heard a person is dying every eleven seconds whether it be natural or someone was killed. That means since I started writing this post 114 people have died already on this planet and more continue. This is a hard thing to swallow but it's the truth I could not save them and no matter how passionate I was it won't bring thing back. But also thinking like this all the time can kill a person, it's depression how very little control we have and it is something we are always fighting for. Control. And the is exactly what people want when putting guards in or out around schools. With this we have lost control and we are all struggling to find the ground because the false glass we surround ourselves in has shattered and we are seeing the world for what it really is sometimes. Ugly.

Do I believe there should be some sort of gun control? Yes, but I don't have a single clue how to go about it. But I can say in my experience of meeting new people there are a lot of people I would not trust with a gun. But do I think there should be armed guards at children's schools? No, and for this reason I do not what my child growing up in fear with the fear we are all feeling right now. That death could come at anytime any place no matter how hard you try to protect yourself and your love ones. That is the fear I don't want my children knowing I do want them to have innocence for as long as it lasts. I don't want my child asking me why there's a armed or "scary" man standing in front of their school because I do not think I could have the heart to tell my child that because of the "mistakes" and evils of one man their school is no longer considered safe.

But in my last and final statements I want people to know that I did not write this post to scare people or depress people. That was not my intention and I am going to leave something else in everyone's hands. Even though we are losing life quickly rejoice because 232 babies have also been born as I type this out. Though the ashes are never pretty in its place new life grows and is meant to be rejoiced. Living a life in constant fear and also trying to control what cannot be controlled is walking down a road very grim and depressing with fear plaguing you. If you believe in God or not, simply understand somethings do just happen. But I want to live my life believing that most people try to do the right thing and want to be good. Whether I die today, tomorrow, or another 50 years from now I don't know but I do know that putting a gun in my hand I don't think is really going to change that fact. I just wanna be happy not scared.

I hope people took the best from this even though I know many are going to slander me, hate me, or understand and agree. But these are my opinions are you are entitled to your own, that's your free will. Just be careful what you do with it.

Sanity for the Insane?

It's kinda crazy right now and honestly I have no one to rely on right at the moment. For a little while you grow use to relying on something or having someone around or just some kinda support system but it gets ripped away like some kinda band-aid and you're not entirely sure what to do. I have been trying to the best of my abilities to hold myself together but it's like trying to hold glass pieces together with string as hard as you try it doesn't really fit well. This feeling is horrible, the state I have been in is horrible and I have tried to keep it to myself. I've lost a teacher, I've almost lost a friend to suicide for a second time which I can't even talk to them about it who may end up having to stay in a hospital, I lost my job but that almost seems stupid right now but I would welcome the distraction right now. And no one has even noticed I've practically drank myself to sleep for almost a whole week now. It is a darkness and bitterness right now I can't handle. So I do apologize for my rudeness I apologize for the blunt edge in my voice but I won't apologize for keeping things to myself. Not whenever one else not when you finally found some happiness for once. It hurts because no one can help, no one can support no one cares and no one will see. That is a reality I can't escape right. I'm writing for people who will never take the time to read or ever understand. I write because it's all I can do right now to keep a bit of my sanity in check. I'm sorry for everything I can't be prince charming, not when my light has faded.

The Recent News

So I've gotten really lazy about writing these post I know but I have my reasons an I'm going to explain it all now. If anyone is wondering it's because I've been working getting away from the computer. I don't log on secondlife anymore, if I do it's every three weeks or so. I do video game from time to time as well but I've come to learn that while I use to love sl, I no longer have a fond love of it. Since Aspen walked into my life a bit of completion came with it, I started notice the endless amounts of drama the lack of improvement in sl and over all how it doesn't seem to hold my attention anymore. I think we all come to sl searching for something and once we find it the glass shatters reality settles over and we wake up realize that we don't need the crutch any more. I still spend countless hours on skype but that's because I'm on voice with Aspen. We talk everyday and both have become less attached to the digital world. It's been a rather interesting journey yet sadly leads down a path where online friends start to drift away. I feel regret sometimes in the worse way because I realize I feel pity sometimes because I see in them what was once in me, I desire for them to find the happiness as well and a balance between all this crazy that goes on in the digital frontier.

Moving on to my next topic I can tell you about what I have been doing in my real life (I'm managing to find one). Since April me and my love have decided that we are going to workout everyday, get in shape, lose some weight and just overall feel better about ourselves. No more sitting around the computer wishing things would change, it's time to get up and make life happen. Now keep in mind this didn't happen over night for either of us, her and I both have stories of trail and not much success and falling off the path. I know when most people see me they will probably say, "What are you doing? You don't need to lose weight." Well I kinda do I've just gotten good at hiding it, I know I'm not over weight but that doesn't mean that just because I don't weight a hundred plus pounds that I don't get self-conscious issues myself. It's all about feeling comfortable in ones own skin and I don't. I wanna get toned, I wanna look healthy, and I'm really craving on having some abs Aspen would be proud of. I know some would call me vain in this journey but I really don't care this is a life choice. I've been trying for the last seven years and with not much luck but this time around it's different I must say. I've changed the way I talk about this and I wanna share the things I do, tell my story for everyone to find something good about it.

First things first, I don't tell people I'm dieting. No, I've made the choice to eat healthy. This isn't some eat right lose weight then go right back to my nasty habits just because I look the way I wanna. I've come to realize it just doesn't work that way. This is life choice and one you have got to make for yourself, there's no rolling out of bed one day and saying, "Hey, I think I'll workout." It's a total mental rewrite and I can honestly say it's hard. But just changing the way you say things helps, say you're eating healthy exercising because it's good for you and not just because you wanna lose weight. Do it because it's a positive thing in your life! Now for the harder parts of this whole crazy cycle. This is going to be one of the hardest challenges in your life, I know it has been one of mine. There are going to be times when just in the moment of that 40 minute work out you are going to wanna bust down and cry, something about sweating, muscles aching and the pounding of your heart you are going to hit a brick wall hard. Just pause let the emotions flow and cry it out let the chemicals and hormones flow out of you then get back up and push through. There's a huge difference between pausing and quitting. Both me and Aspen have hit these points and they aren't pleasant, worse part is no one can help you through this wall and it's one of the hardest struggles. You are going to feel horrible, not seeing results and question why you are even putting yourself through all the pain. Best things come from the hard roads traveled, push through never give up it does get easier! But I have a great support system with Aspen and she definitely keeps me going and I'm so proud of her for all the crazy things we do. I have been working out since April 23rd every single day expect six days (my sick days and two were because of a injured back, don't kill yourself working out) and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. Even though I've only lost 5 pounds since I started, only a inch and half around my waist. I'm going for it this time, it's difference this time around and I do honestly have to thank Aspen for it all. I know this is hard but no way is a little depression going to keep my down.

Extras - Change the way you speak! Get a calender and play don't break the chain, this is were you set the lowest amount of time you wanna workout in a single day and as long as you do that you earn a "X" for the day then after days you start to build a chain across your calender. I set a alarm on my cell phone to remind me to work out, mind goes off everyday at 4:15 with the message "Work out...you fat bastard." Works in its own strange way. Don't measure yourself everyday, save that for the end of the week. You'll mentally wear yourself down checking the numbers every single day. And lastly every Friday or Saturday I go into the bathroom take my shirt off and take a picture of myself in the mirror. This is so I can note the changes in my body, I've been doing this every single week and it forces me to look at myself and look myself in the eyes and say I wanna change this. Don't let it discourage you! Build from it, I'm going to change my body!! I hope any of these tips helps people and me and Aspen are easy enough to get a hold of for any help.

An Update

So another month has come and past, spring is definitely is in the air. My birthday has come and gone on by and things have been changing. Have starting a dieting and exercising program and we shall see how this goes and shaping my body back up. Of course it's not the easiest of paths I'll say but I'm trying and that's what matters right now. Really I don't have much more to say than that. Real life work, working out, eating right and trying not to pass out every day after all that. I wish sometimes things would calm down but I know honestly not that while it's all stressful it's helping me shape my life better. Small steps here and there to get better in this thing we like to call real life. It's a lot of tripping over my own feet but hey I got a heck of a support crew. In some kinda other news my mind has been swirling around the idea of getting back into photoshop but I'm still super against it, call it frustration? I seem to lack the ability to achieve more of my photography ideas, so 98% of the time the photos get scrapped and thrown into the trash. I don't know and I'm not going to worry. This was just a quick update and I'm sorry it's rather uneventful one.

Conflicted emotions

I know it's been a really long time since I posted anything, shame on me, but for some reason it was the furthest thing from my mind. I originally wanted to give a quick recap of everything but is seems to just keep slipping my mind. Just know it's been kinda more busy in real life this last month. Spring is a pretty busy time of my life. Anyways moving on...

About my title it more or less explains how I'm feeling right now because my emotions are really all over the place right now. Starting at the beginning of all this I guess I should say there seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life that has gone on for the last couple of years well longer than a couple. I know I have temper issues from time to time this doesn't come to a shock to anyone who really knows me. I'm a Taurus, it happens. Moving on, what seems to be the sad part more often than not I'm pissed at the stupidest things, minor things that shouldn't get to me but it does. It seems like hardly people honestly get to me, I've learned to deflect whatever issue off of people. If you really know then you know I'm my own worse enemy, I'm incredibly hard myself beyond reason. But the way I see it if I don't be hard on myself who is going to be, if I set the standers so high then no one else can hurt me. I tend to beat myself over the smallest thing and I have a tendency to get really temperamental with myself. It's stupid I know, I myself can be quite stupid over small things. But the problem comes from I get angry at myself and pointless things it comes out in my personality and people tend to think I'm taking it out on them but in reality I'm trying really hard not to. I would be lying if I said controlling my temper was easy but it's not it's hard and I try very hard to not take it out on people who don't deserve it.

What hurts the most is standing there and watching people practically run away because you suddenly become "to difficult to deal with" just because I'm having a bad moment. I just shake my head at it because I really shouldn't be surprised at it but it seems I set myself up for the heart break every single time. Same story different face.... I think that maybe finally someone knows me understands me and all my faults that it won't happen this time. But it's always a lie because without fail it happens every time. I'm not even pissed or angry at the person but apparently I've hurt them or done something wrong that some excuse comes up and they leave me alone. I know it seems like whining but it happens....every single time and I'm left standing there biting my tongue while they come up with some excuse to get away from me and pretend like I don't know what's going on. I got angry at something stupid and suddenly I'm like the worse person on the planet. I hate it because it always comes back to I just can't seem to be perfect. I'm the youngest person of practically everyone I know in secondlife, yet I act the most mature tend to carry a lot of responsibilities. I'm always there when something goes wrong, I always listen I always try to be understand to the best of my ability and not judge give the best advice I can and support people. Yet I always end up alone and I can't help but think I'm horribly messed up and defective when this keeps occurring over with different people. When will I ever get it right? I can't get rid of my temper it's a part of who I am and yet I try my hardest to control that part of me. But I wouldn't be who I am without it, I try so hard but it's never enough. I always end up here sitting alone going "great....way to fuck up again." And yet it makes me so angry all over because I even say I'm not mad at someone and apparent in that moment is the moment I seem like a liar. I don't get it.

Enough of my pathetic ranting, just sometimes we have to get things written down before they overwhelm us. Something I really wanted to post about was a song I heard and I've had it on repeat since I heard it. It's brought such a smile to my face and yet right now I can't find happiness in it. I've had a craving to update my profile because this month me and Aspen will be together for 10 months. I know most don't care but that's rather amazing in sl. This song brings a lot of emotions to the surface so I think I will just post the lyrics. (fyi it's a foreign song but these are the translated lyrics)

Girl, I can’t explain what I feel.
Oh baby my baby, baby, baby, baby.. yeah.

Making a day feel like a minute
With you, I’m the main character of a movie
As if I’m about to film an action scene to come see you, as if I’ve become a hero

You’re perfect to me, I imagined
How would it be if we were together?
If only you say okay, everything is perfect, oh baby

I lost my mind, the moment I saw you
Except you, everything get in slow motion
Tell me, if this is love
Sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
Fighting, crying and hugging
Tell me, if this is love

All the guys in the world are jealous of me
They must be jealous to death of me, for having you
Even after the sun goes down and moon goes down, it will never change
You will find out that I’m a guy whom you can trust
I don’t know why, this unconditional emotion
Did I ever imagine?
Next to me, you shine more brightly as I become a better guy

I lost my mind, the moment I saw you
Except you, everything get in slow motion
Tell me, if this is love
Sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
Fighting, crying and hugging
Tell me, if this is love

If you wish and wish earnestly
Will it come true, like the fairy-tales?
A never-ending happy ending, happily ever after
I will trust you, protect you and comfort you
I will be on your side
I will never leave your side

I lost my mind, the moment I saw you
Except you, everything get in slow motion
Tell me, if this is love
Sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
Fighting, crying and hugging
Tell me, if this is love

All the guys in the world are jealous of me
They must be jealous to death of me, for having you
My babe, baby babe, baby baby
I can tell, this is love
I will make you smile often like a child
I will make you feel the most comfortable, like a friend
My babe, baby babe, baby baby
Tell me, what is love

I feel like this is a song that will forever stick with me and all it's feelings. I'm out, maybe I'll go update that profile I've been meaning to.

The Last Week

Alright so I thought in this little blog I might give a recap of what has been going on in my life. Yes, I know I talk a lot about secondlife, Aspen, shops in sl, Aspen, relationships in sl, Aspen and a few other things as well. But my real life hasn't really ever been much of anything that has been spoken on here so I thought I would add a little of that this time again and well lets face in some more Aspen. I adore the woman sorry if you hate that.

Anyways so in the last week I can give you a really fast overview I bought new shoes last Saturday (70 fucking dollars) but I'm a little bit of a fashion bitch like that. Drove around for a little bit until I could talk to my baby on the computer. I do try to have a real life outside of the computer I swear. Sunday nothing really happened it was a lovely 40 degrees (odd because it's normally 15 this time of year) and just enjoyed off and some peace and quiet. Monday came and went like any first day of work can go but a awesome 60 degrees outside. Tuesday was just as uneventful, swear I do live a boring life most of the time. Wednesday I got a hair cut and cleans myself up like any one else and found out I wouldn't get to talk to my love for like 4 days. Which I know most of you are probably thinking "What's the big deal?" Well you have to understand we literally talk everyday.....and I do mean literally in the probably meaning. We have only gone without speaking in voice for over 24 hours only 2 other occasions in the year and half we have known each other. Granted we didn't start talking on voice until about last April but once we got on voice we never stopped. We talk ALL the time I love this girl this much. Months of talking and we are still strong as ever, I never thought I would this way with someone. So yes Wednesday was kinda a hard day for me. So bumming around Thursday I get home and I turned into like superman for the night and cleaned up my room, scrubbed the bathroom good (that took a hour to do) did two loads of laundry, changed the sheets, vacuumed the upstairs, folded some clothes did come dusting and worked a full 8 hours at work. I was TIRED by nine and totally forgot about the blog post I was suppose to do last night. I do apologize greatly for that. I got kinda wrapped up in real life which I think is actually great. Since I can't talk to Aspen I decided instead of just mopping around secondlife I'm going to take this opportunity to take care of shit in my real life that I would normally blow off and get on the internet. I know that sounds lame or pathetic like some teenage in highschool. But I mean lets face it, if you are here reading this you probably aren't much different from me. I have never hide that I am a nerd, really not much of a social life, love of video games, books, totally a nerdfighter, and blow off shit to LOL at the stupid cat photo that always comes up on tumblr.

Back on to what I was talking about... so we are here on Friday and all I did was go to work (in the pouring ass fucking rain because god decided to piss on the midwest) came home and just chilled for a while. Played some pool in the basement, got some food, watched the brand new episode of Supernaturl (about time CW!!!!) and headed up stairs and here I am in front of a computer writing out exactly what comes across my mind. Honestly everything you guys read here is straight out of my mind I don't put a whole lot of thought into in the fact I pick a subject sorta think about it then just write and go with my opinions and thoughts in the rawest form. Which honestly I find awesome because you are getting exactly how I think. Sorry if every now and then things seem to get jumbled up but hey that's how a mind works and as for grammar I'm pretty good at spelling but I know sometimes I mess up with word flow. As in my head gets ahead of my fingers and things come out rather jumbled but I do hope you get the meaning. Cause well I'll be honest I don't really like proof reading my own work. To much like reading over that crappy over night essay you did that was due that morning because you totally procrastinated that shit and half the paper is just total bullshit. Yea, I much rather have someone else proof read and even then I don't like going back and fixing my fuck ups. I'm human sorry get over it...I suffer from laziness extreme.

Okay so this part of a very long post is going to be about Aspen, I've only been about 48 hours from her and I'm just pitiful without her. Sad, I know but it's totally the truth. When I'm not doing anything in real life I just wonder around aimlessly trying to figure out what to do next. And I don't exactly want to get on the computer because I do think it's healthy to take some breaks from the internet but fuck is sucks like hell sometimes. And well fuck t.v just really isn't all the good most of the time. If any of this makes my a whipped lost puppy, I'll give a bit of advice. I don't give a fuck, I'm happy she puts a smile on my face every single day and hey I probably get a lot my sex than most of you. Cause...hey hey hey we are crazy about each other. I miss her laugh and just but the way her voice changes I know she's blushing and she'll hide her face even though the camera isn't on yet I know she's doing it. I love when she pounces me every single day I get home from work, always willing to help me when I have bad days and I help her on hers. How some how she'll calm me down from something I find the pisses me off like no other. The shape of her lips and how I crave to kiss them, I love her hazel eyes and her hair even though she claims every single day it's a mess. I swear I love it, and how she just lights up with I say "I love you" And I have to say in such a nerd way omg...I love the way we make faces at each other when we get on camera. How I can make the stupidest noises and she laughs and fines them cute. She'll sing to me. I'll sing back sometimes in a much crappier version and totally off like a tone deaf moron but she enjoys it....I think? How we'll lay down on cam and yes she's watched me sleep before and make weird noises on voice. Or how we'll turn on Skyrim and totally nerd it out playing it up and I'll school her some more in video games and it's awesome. I miss how one minute it's all chilled and she's suddenly pouncing me like I've been seducing her for hours. I adore the way she says my name and how she secretly loves it when I call her beautiful or gorgeous and I know she believes me on the rare occasions. Or how she'll laugh when I lamely show her my boxers for the day. I miss every breath she takes in my ear, how she holds me close and tells me she loves me. I miss these things even though it's only been a short time I miss them dearly. All of these things I hold dearly and I cherish them because I don't wanna be without them a minute longer than I have to. I love you Aspen with all my heart. I'll always be just a text, call or a buzz in my pants away from you. And I'll be here waiting for when things clear up in your real life in the next couple days because face it baby, you are stuck with me. All my love is yours, there is no one else I desire but you, no one else I wanna be with. My heart is with you. For as long as you'll have me Red.